Curl up and shut down.

Sometimes..you just want to curl up and shut down.

Alone I exist.

I dont want to talk. I dont want to socialize..Just want to be left alone..

You let me drift when you want to..you want me back when you want it..

I am human..not a robot..

Why is that so tough to understand ?

Alone..vs. Loneliness.

Another night..Another Fight..

And I wonder..why ? Why ?? WHY ??!!

Life was so simple before man.. Life was..me..meri tanhayee..and my thots..myself..Just myself..

and now..there’s marriage on the cards..

It’s not her..Its me..Dont think I would have had it easy had it been anybody else either..

I just cannot get the idea of changing my lifestyle cos of an event..

With every passing day I realize I am not cut out for couplehood. Am just not..

I just love all the things about myself and the things I do so much that I dont see the point of even trying to work around the other person..

Very selfish…but..well..thats me..

Work, the gym, my friends..and sometimes no friends even…It’s not adding to me see ?

I am trying to be as social as i can be..but I get so frustrated at the sameness of it that I feel suffocated sometimes..

It’s the same with everyone..They do not know what to do when they have some free time..

It has to be one event after another…something,somewhere,somebody…something !

A dinner, a movie, a drink, a this, a that..

And I cannot see the logic of it i guess. Unless I see it adding to me somehow..

and I realize it everytime that maybe I just overstepped the limit..and i hate that..the fact that I was a burden..

I need to disconnect..isolate myself..insulate myself a lot more..

Need to make it much more simple..Need to do all the things that make me realize

“Not bad, you are doing your bit towards changing all this…”

I dont think I have ever felt as good as i did the day I went to the kennel..for a long time..

Reminded me of bombay..there was sweat.. there was blood..

and there was a tiredness and the sleep thereafter that was heavenly..

I had earned it. I had done my bit.

I have decided..I have made my decision..enough of over a year of wondering..Am i or am i not..

I am not a social animal ! simple..Now lets move forward..

Insulate..Isolate..keep it at the base minimum required..

Focus on the stuff that kept you content before..

Or move in the direction atleast..

One year

August 4th in a coupla days.One year. A year after i had decided on a few personal milestones.

Some achieved.Most others not.

And i am going into that mode. A zone wherein i am at peace with my solitude. This time I am very busy at work, am not single anymore, and have very little time to reflect and wonder about these kinda things.

But it is happening.

There are phases of complete concentration and focus. And then i switch off when i can. I know that every moment of my day is spent in some activity which is a value-add to me.

There is no tv, no arbit calls, no unnecessary chatting, no arbit timepass activity in office. The day is packed.

I am taking care of my body. Mind and body are both at full steam – all day. I come home. Keep myself entertained for some time. release the energy and get my ‘chi’ in order. And crash. The soul..mind,body and soul..hmm..soul needs to be worked upon..

Fantastic sleep. Log, dog u call it whatever you want – i sleep ! and love it !

There was not a minute spent when i could have done something better and been more useful. Thats what i like.I love.

The soul part..I am not contributing to anything which is in anyway affecting a universal issue.So i am at peace with my conscience..and therefore my soul ? Logic ?? hmm..

I ride a cycle to office. I dont drive a car – I dont pollute, I dont contribute to an uneducated sheikh ruling us de-facto.

I have firmly believed for a long time now that every world issue – Al qaeda, Afghanistan,iraq,iran, chechnya, Kashmir,anything has a petro-dollar at the crux of it.

I need to pay money to go take a leak. Where would billions of dollars to fund a global terrorist operation come from then ?

Saudi Arabia. A country I have nothing but hate for.

Muslim fundamentalism – why a global issue ? why not LTTE tamil fundamentalism ? Simple. Petro dollar.

Why are they able to get away with it ? Petro dollar.again.

Why cant we not do anything about it ? Petro dollar.

Why is it that we will forever mind our own business when we need to take a stand,unlike an israel – which is rabidly anti-anti-jew ? Petro dollar.

And who contributes to it ? Us. No,not the United States.Us. We, me and you , contribute to it.

Resources – Our fundamental need today. Petrol.

Single people in a 4 -seater car. Makes me go “grrr” inside nowadays.

Traffic jams. Crazy time schedules. Offices situated 20 kms from home. Why ? I have done this analysis of the fuel,km and the time effort spent on commute vs the rent at a place close to office and shown n people how much more cost-effective it is.

I know 2 of those changed their house to a closer location..but still come by car !

Worse. People come to the gym on their car and then walk on the treadmill !

I just dont get it !! I Must have been drunk when I spoke to S as to why I shake my head everytime a person walks in like that to the gym.

She didnt get it and said i was nuts. I guess i am.

A car is a necessity she says. Most of us feel so apparently.

Is it so different a thought ? Why is it an impossibility to even imagine ?

All of us..the same story.. the same small car…the same 2 BHK..the same life..the same booze.. the same chit chat..the same movies..

I mean..i never got how the bollywood film industry survived..with all the trash that came out..every single week..

I read this theory.that it’s actually mafia’s blood money which is circulated as movie financing..and then legitimate revenue from the movie..

No one has any idea how much the movie stars get paid..and therefore tax..and therefore..and so on..until everyone’s happy..

Except the junta..who get to have a choice b/w Dhamaal..and Heyy baby..

I can spend an evening at home..or i can go to the movies..So,i goto the movies..any movie..And so the revenue..and so the everyone’s happy..

Which is what I see..Everyone happy..Everyone is really really happy..as in they are greedy yes..and want some more..and i believe ” Greed is Good !” …Cos it pushes you !

But..My problem is different with the world today..everyone’s happy with the status quo.

I am not..But i am not doing anything about it..and therefore how am i different..yeah,i know..i ask myself the same question.

But what i dont get is..Arent the others getting it ??! Isnt it so bloody stupidly simple ?!

Trees cut on G N Chetty road..and a gang of us reminisce abt the good ol’ shady road..

and all i get when i explain the concept of single occupant in a 4 wheeler and more people owning cars amongst the middle class..and the pollution..and our over-dependence on the gulf oil..and the huge oild import bill..etc..are..blank stares..

You didnt get that ? and even if you did..you dont wanna change ? Is it that tough !?!?

:-/

Give ups man..”Without victory there can be no peace..and there can be no peace..without a war”..

so, hobsons choice..catch 22.

Everyone’s happy..for now.

Pity.We give to our children a planet..much much worse than what we received…

They wont be happy.

Follow the white rabbit

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don’t be afraid to care.
Leave, don’t leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you’ll give and tears you’ll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don’t sit down it’s time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

The Older I get, the more kaTTar I get in my views

The Older I get, the more kaTTar I get in my views..on religion, sex, politics, philosophy..you name it.

Which is contrary to the expected behaviour..I am more aware..and have had more exposure to the world and it’s ways..

And what works and what doesnt..and why a person behaves in A way sometimes and B way at other times..

Confusing..

Confusing to see me so stubborn in my views when I am learning so much on a daily basis..meeting so many different kinds of people..

Guess the endgame remains the same…I have my views..i dont propogate them.. I didnt ask you for yours either…Do not preach them to me..if you do,be prepared for a question..and based on an argument/discussion..brand me a zealot/fanatic..

The same bloody cycle..again and again and again..

Dunno when the world will ever get tired..

Mind your own business and do what you are doing to the best of your abilities..

The world will automatically take care of itself..

It’s the world’s do-gooders or the wannabe do-gooders who cause the maximum problems..

I would do anything for love but i wont do that..

Meatloaf track..one of the longest tracks in history apparently..Seems such a long time ago that I listened to Meatloaf..or a Linkin’ Park..Or an Evanescence..

None of the new groups..even a green day..or a rhasmus..not to mention all those hip-hop, rap or alternative rock bands…none of them come even close to the pain in any of the 3 mentioned above..Floyd was different..these guys are..different..

I listen to them on loop nowadays..and wonder..pain man..real deep-down gut-wrenching pain..

*shake of head*

Deep lyrics which focus on interpersonal relationships(not just love..all relationships – friendships,siblings,parents,etc) and the baggage that comes with it..

And i needed to write about this..unsure where i can post it..but needed to write this..period..to get it out of my system..with evanscence’s amy lee singing in the background..almost screeching…deep soulful lyrics of “my immortal”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxQrPXPSVhQ

I got into this relationship with R almost a year back..why didnt i get into anything else before ? cos,i fundamentally believed I was not ready - mental maturity wise,money-wise,everything..I knew i was not ready to divert my attentions from the goals i had set for myself..More importantly i didnt believe i needed anybody..friends,foes,gf anybody..

And then i took the step..R seemed as good a girl to me as i could hope for..full of life,energy..everything I could ask for..a perfect match..almost..

The days passed on..I got to know her more..her past..the emotional baggage she carried..her relationsips – her parents,her cousins, her ex-es, her friends, her foes..her moods..her…it was overwhelming at first..but i believed i could do justice to her..

We were different..from day one..her timings..day person vs a night person…books we read..movies we saw..people we hung out with..things we did for a pastime..core difference -  A sine wave…versus..a straight line..

but..I…inspite of everything..was 100% sure i could be the rock she wanted to rest on for life..

Her final resting place..a place she could call ‘home’..after 25 years of searching for it..in vain..

I visited her often..irregularly at first..much more regularly as time went on..the conversations grew..the gifts exchanged..sweet memories..the early morning calls..the late night calls..sudden surprise visits..sudden differences of opinion…

The differences started to grow..I expected it..am sure she did too..we are very strong personalities..we believe we are right..correction..we know we are right…and believe” to each his own”…We believed so at different times in our relationship tho..

We were,are and will always be fundamentally different people..compatibility..yeah,nice word..

I think and dont say..she thinks, says it and beleives i dont get it…valid point..I was..and still am..an idiot in inter-personal relationships..

Classic example…The K wedding episode..something i know she will never ever forgive me for..or the N-K wedding..and how i handled the burglary issue..

And then Bombay happened..a watershed..a night at the airport…a night i will remember..forever..or so i hoped..when i realised what an animal i had become..An animal who like the others “used” her..who didnt understand what lay at her core..

I hoped to have changed after that night and the post i made..I was wrong..

A relative period of peace in b/w..the fights still happened..but it was all under control.. “situation tense but under control “…typically kashmir-ish..

Nigeria happened..ver 1 and then..ver 2..both were hugely taxing..on both of us..she was clingy..i wanted space..work was taking a lot out of me..she was not having fun at work and had time..a mismatch of humungous proportions..

It took it’s toll..I came back all set to give her everything she needed to be clingy all her life..she went cold..and just wanted to walk away..

I was stunned…”space” …” cold”…” time to think “..i thot we were on a home run and she was walking away ?!! I turned anti..wrong reaction..very unlike-me reaction..and i regretted it as soon as things went sour..

We wanted a break..from ‘us’..both of us..but were not prepared to say it..cos the other would probably get it wrong..

Canada..a scare..and before both of us knew it…i was talking to her folks and she to mine..things worked out much better than i ever expected..think she didnt believe it was happening either.. 

Sis’ wedding..and R was my support..the one i was looking for all thru..Doubts abt bil and his antecedants..my responsibilities at home and the arrangements..all laid to rest with her considerate words…

And all along I was cool with her friends and her..and her ex-es and her old relationships..her phone on waiting at 12 in the nite,even…even when it irritated me the most..but..somewhere down the line it started to get to me..

No calls from her sent alarm bells ringing…An insecurity..from me ?!?! I never experienced it in my life ! And i couldnt take it..there were too many changes happening..and she was right..”we moved too fast..”..the relationship..the commitment…the physicality..the folks..the works..and it got too much for both of us..

A storm was brewing..and i knew it was coming…I didnt say it..but i always expect the worst after a period of relative calm..Think she did too..

It started casually….

Work took most of our times..but the want was still there..with both of us..and that is where we differed..again..

When she realised everything was cool on our relationship,she decided to focus on work and get her old life back..friends,parties,time for all of them..

Meanwhile..When I realised everything was cool in our relationship, I decided work + R was it..my life..

Both had a rationale to our argument..but…both of us differed…And that is where i see us today..

After seeing her cry and hearing her say  ” Please dont touch me,R”…”dont overact “…”I gave up my prince charming for you..i gave up my dream…” ” Why did u pick me to fall in love, R ? Cos you had money to spend ??! “

And thats when it hit me..all the time..all this time..i didnt for once doubt that she is the girl for me..the one i wanted to be with for life..It was then that i realised,she wasnt sure..All those times she said ” Why do u love me ?” and i replied with ” i dunno..you tell me why do u love me ?”.. she used to say ” Who said i love you..i never did..”

It was then that i realised..She is making a compromise on the last biggest decision on her life….

And..worse…you caused her pain..your girl..something u utterly downrightly despise and never ever did in ur life..caused anybody pain..if you could help it..and the best most beautiful sweetest thing that happened to you..loving R..and inspite of all she’s gone thru in her life and knowing it fully well,you showed ur worst side to her..the one u knew was in there somewhere..but didnt want to acknowledge..The ego..the stubborness..the taurean..RK..me..

No wonder she is not sure..who would ever be ?

Tp had a point when he said ” Macha..coming from where i am right now in my life…all those fights..all those differences..all of it..nothing..nothing..zero..”

I realised that I react the way i do to her cos i believe i will have to set the expectations for the rest of my life..and not give in too much..set some benchmarks abt how much i can take..and therefore raise issues now..so that we realise where we stand.. Am sure the same with her too…If i dont start to see the world the way she does, we will never have anything in common..and therefore probably never ever ‘click’..am sure that’s her prime cause of concern…

*shake of the head*

And now Tp..and Mui..a life together ? a cruel joke..

The same can happen with us..maybe not a suicide..but a turning cold..and compromise..almost..with each other..a stalemate..both unhappy..both half-empty and half-full..similar,yet so different..

I cried that nite..for the first time i can ever remember in my adult life..after she had that panic attack..if i could make somebody cry like that,i dont know who i have become…roamed the streets of chennai aimlessly after dropping her at the airport..went to iit,my refuge..and didnt find peace,again for the first time in my life..puked my guts out..slept fitfully..work was affected..didnt sleep the next night even..or the one after that..and today when she is supposed to be enjoying a hard-earned trip, she is calling/messaging me after getting drunk..instead of being happy and peaceful about her existence..

And i sit here..writing this post..unable to convince her about us..scared..lonely..sick..mentally unstable..laughing one moment..depressed the next…working with a purpose one moment, going completely blank the next..Taking the kudos from the boss with a vehement argument,instead of appreciation..No thrill on the new deal..no expectations with my job..just an assignment I have to complete..

why do i love her ? I have no answers..

Why dont i think we will work out ? yes,i have an answer to that..because we havent…in all this time..if i havent given her any joy and peace in 1 year, and caused her pain instead..lotsa it..and been confused and unsure myself too..all this while..I dont see how i can ever do justice to her..I honestly dont..

She needs somebody who she can rest upon…she can respect..I had that respect as a K..which is probably why she said yes..

As a R, i have not been even close to gaining that respect..

Why do i love her ? why do i stick around with her ?

“Cos it gives you a sense of control if you still stick by me inspite of everything..”

*shake of the head*

I am shocked when she says stuff like that..in a year of knowing each other,thats all there’s to me,according to her..or maybe thats all there is to me..thats one change i will credit her with and will thank her all my life…a willingness to acknowledge “Yeah,maybe the other person is right after all…”

Why do i love her ? I dont really know..

If i dont, i have a problem..cos it’s an answer i need to know to be at peace..

If i know..by her own admission i will leave her..since the others did..

And it strikes me that she thinks of me as one more amongst the others..one more who used her..who took what they wanted and left her hanging dry..

All i wanted to ever do is not be one more like them..I am one more today..I regret it..and dunno what to do..irreplacable damage..to me and…to her,somebody who didnt deserve it at all..a year almost..a journey..an experience..a regret..that i couldnt do the one thing she wanted me to be..her gibraltar..

Where do we go from here ? I really dont know…Folks meet in a week..too much pressure to close the deal..Her birthday in a few days and plans for the gift i am gonna give her..she wont be with me…and all the better for her,she will be peaceful and sleeping soundly with folks..for a few days atleast..

And we sit..with a 3500 km b/w us..and wondering about the one big question..” Are we right for each other ?”

Thats probably the only thing we have matched on..ever.That one question is where we match.

and Youtube has been kind..with the right song at the right time..

Il Divo with Regresa A Mi 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3A1zpV8l0F8

and the translation..Right sentiment,right song..Google Answers Zindabad..

No me abandones así
    Don’t leave me like this
Hablando sólo de ti
    Speaking only of you
Ven y devuélveme al fin la sonrisa que se fue
    Come and give the smile that went away back to me

Una vez mas tocar tu piel y hondo suspirar   
    One more time to touch your skin and deep to sigh
Recuperemos lo que se ha perdido
    Let’s recover what has been lost

Regresa a mi
    Return to me
Quiereme otra vez
    Love me once again
Borra el dolor que al irte me dio cuando te separaste de mi
    Erase the grief I experienced when you left, when you parted from me
Dime que sí
    Tell me yes
Yo no quiero llorar
    I don’t want to cry
Regresa a mi
    Return to me

Extraño el amor que se fué
    I miss the love that went away
Extraño la dicha también
    I miss the happiness as well
Quiero que vengas a mi y me vuelvas a querer
    I want you to come to me and love me again

No puedo mas si tu no estas tienes que llegar
    I can’t go on if you’re not here; you have to arrive
Mi vida se apaga sin ti a mi lado
    My life turns off without you by my side

Hi honey…

         I dont know how to put this..and am kinda tired and sleepy but not sleeping..
and i know i will not be able to say it the way i want to either on the phone now…or tomorrow morning..
so..writing this mail..
will try to keep it short and concise..

You need your space..and ur time..
I understand that..
But i am not in a mode where i can be partially disconnected from you..
i am sorry..
I am unaware about what’s happening in ur life..and likewise you with mine…
I dunno if u are angry that we havent spoken at all..atleast not much over phone the last coupla weeks..
You seem to be totally ok with it..but i wasnt..
I was having fun with whatever i was doing – work and colleagues,friends and the wedding..and everything else in between..
but all the time..not too comfortable about me not spending even a few mins talking to you EOD..
I dunno..guess i have been too over-dependent on you.
worse,it bothered me..that although this was the case with the both of us before,it doesnt seem to be the case with you now.
I have no idea how/when you are travelling,when’s the next  time we meet..your life – when who what nothing.
no answers..
You want it..yes.which was why i decided to stay quiet…
but EOD/maybe once in 2-3 days,i expect a call and a chat..atleast..
You are not in the mode now for that..and i am ok with it..
I am also ok with me being in that mode..
and u wanting it,cos it’s so important to you..

I dont see how i can be partially disconnected and then suddenly get a call when you are free..i was very restless and wanted to get back home asap so that i talk to you before 10..so that we atleast do that one chat..thinking you are feeling irritated at not being able to talk..for the last n days..

Please do not get irritated with the words i use here..i am cool with whatever you do..i respect it..it’s ur life..you have handled it much better than i ever have,my life..and i mean it..trust me,i do..
I love you baby..

I am sorry for whatever I did today..but i cant say sorry all my life,like you always say..

May i suggest something..

I know you love me..You know i love you too..
and we have to go thru this period of not being together for sometime..we know that too..

This partial disconnect is not working…atleast for me..
May i suggest a complete disconnect..a break..for sometime ??

that way i dont create any complications in ur life..you are cool and i am cool too..
i dunno..hope you dont misunderstand me..
 

The older we get..

The older we get, the more unwilling to even listen to the other person,we become..

Guess it’s an antonym to the ‘maturing’ phenomenon..

:-/

A simple life..

All i ever wanted….was a simple life..with some morals and beliefs..and ethics and manners…courtesy..and calm..

nope..doesnt seem like i am going to get much of it..

Do i regret it…yeah..sometimes, i do.. Maybe…atleast i can say it without mumbling about it to myself..yes maybe..i do !