Meatloaf track..one of the longest tracks in history apparently..Seems such a long time ago that I listened to Meatloaf..or a Linkin’ Park..Or an Evanescence..
None of the new groups..even a green day..or a rhasmus..not to mention all those hip-hop, rap or alternative rock bands…none of them come even close to the pain in any of the 3 mentioned above..Floyd was different..these guys are..different..
I listen to them on loop nowadays..and wonder..pain man..real deep-down gut-wrenching pain..
*shake of head*
Deep lyrics which focus on interpersonal relationships(not just love..all relationships – friendships,siblings,parents,etc) and the baggage that comes with it..
And i needed to write about this..unsure where i can post it..but needed to write this..period..to get it out of my system..with evanscence’s amy lee singing in the background..almost screeching…deep soulful lyrics of “my immortal”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxQrPXPSVhQ
I got into this relationship with R almost a year back..why didnt i get into anything else before ? cos,i fundamentally believed I was not ready - mental maturity wise,money-wise,everything..I knew i was not ready to divert my attentions from the goals i had set for myself..More importantly i didnt believe i needed anybody..friends,foes,gf anybody..
And then i took the step..R seemed as good a girl to me as i could hope for..full of life,energy..everything I could ask for..a perfect match..almost..
The days passed on..I got to know her more..her past..the emotional baggage she carried..her relationsips – her parents,her cousins, her ex-es, her friends, her foes..her moods..her…it was overwhelming at first..but i believed i could do justice to her..
We were different..from day one..her timings..day person vs a night person…books we read..movies we saw..people we hung out with..things we did for a pastime..core difference - A sine wave…versus..a straight line..
but..I…inspite of everything..was 100% sure i could be the rock she wanted to rest on for life..
Her final resting place..a place she could call ‘home’..after 25 years of searching for it..in vain..
I visited her often..irregularly at first..much more regularly as time went on..the conversations grew..the gifts exchanged..sweet memories..the early morning calls..the late night calls..sudden surprise visits..sudden differences of opinion…
The differences started to grow..I expected it..am sure she did too..we are very strong personalities..we believe we are right..correction..we know we are right…and believe” to each his own”…We believed so at different times in our relationship tho..
We were,are and will always be fundamentally different people..compatibility..yeah,nice word..
I think and dont say..she thinks, says it and beleives i dont get it…valid point..I was..and still am..an idiot in inter-personal relationships..
Classic example…The K wedding episode..something i know she will never ever forgive me for..or the N-K wedding..and how i handled the burglary issue..
And then Bombay happened..a watershed..a night at the airport…a night i will remember..forever..or so i hoped..when i realised what an animal i had become..An animal who like the others “used” her..who didnt understand what lay at her core..
I hoped to have changed after that night and the post i made..I was wrong..
A relative period of peace in b/w..the fights still happened..but it was all under control.. “situation tense but under control “…typically kashmir-ish..
Nigeria happened..ver 1 and then..ver 2..both were hugely taxing..on both of us..she was clingy..i wanted space..work was taking a lot out of me..she was not having fun at work and had time..a mismatch of humungous proportions..
It took it’s toll..I came back all set to give her everything she needed to be clingy all her life..she went cold..and just wanted to walk away..
I was stunned…”space” …” cold”…” time to think “..i thot we were on a home run and she was walking away ?!! I turned anti..wrong reaction..very unlike-me reaction..and i regretted it as soon as things went sour..
We wanted a break..from ‘us’..both of us..but were not prepared to say it..cos the other would probably get it wrong..
Canada..a scare..and before both of us knew it…i was talking to her folks and she to mine..things worked out much better than i ever expected..think she didnt believe it was happening either..
Sis’ wedding..and R was my support..the one i was looking for all thru..Doubts abt bil and his antecedants..my responsibilities at home and the arrangements..all laid to rest with her considerate words…
And all along I was cool with her friends and her..and her ex-es and her old relationships..her phone on waiting at 12 in the nite,even…even when it irritated me the most..but..somewhere down the line it started to get to me..
No calls from her sent alarm bells ringing…An insecurity..from me ?!?! I never experienced it in my life ! And i couldnt take it..there were too many changes happening..and she was right..”we moved too fast..”..the relationship..the commitment…the physicality..the folks..the works..and it got too much for both of us..
A storm was brewing..and i knew it was coming…I didnt say it..but i always expect the worst after a period of relative calm..Think she did too..
It started casually….
Work took most of our times..but the want was still there..with both of us..and that is where we differed..again..
When she realised everything was cool on our relationship,she decided to focus on work and get her old life back..friends,parties,time for all of them..
Meanwhile..When I realised everything was cool in our relationship, I decided work + R was it..my life..
Both had a rationale to our argument..but…both of us differed…And that is where i see us today..
After seeing her cry and hearing her say ” Please dont touch me,R”…”dont overact “…”I gave up my prince charming for you..i gave up my dream…” ” Why did u pick me to fall in love, R ? Cos you had money to spend ??! “
And thats when it hit me..all the time..all this time..i didnt for once doubt that she is the girl for me..the one i wanted to be with for life..It was then that i realised,she wasnt sure..All those times she said ” Why do u love me ?” and i replied with ” i dunno..you tell me why do u love me ?”.. she used to say ” Who said i love you..i never did..”
It was then that i realised..She is making a compromise on the last biggest decision on her life….
And..worse…you caused her pain..your girl..something u utterly downrightly despise and never ever did in ur life..caused anybody pain..if you could help it..and the best most beautiful sweetest thing that happened to you..loving R..and inspite of all she’s gone thru in her life and knowing it fully well,you showed ur worst side to her..the one u knew was in there somewhere..but didnt want to acknowledge..The ego..the stubborness..the taurean..RK..me..
No wonder she is not sure..who would ever be ?
Tp had a point when he said ” Macha..coming from where i am right now in my life…all those fights..all those differences..all of it..nothing..nothing..zero..”
I realised that I react the way i do to her cos i believe i will have to set the expectations for the rest of my life..and not give in too much..set some benchmarks abt how much i can take..and therefore raise issues now..so that we realise where we stand.. Am sure the same with her too…If i dont start to see the world the way she does, we will never have anything in common..and therefore probably never ever ‘click’..am sure that’s her prime cause of concern…
*shake of the head*
And now Tp..and Mui..a life together ? a cruel joke..
The same can happen with us..maybe not a suicide..but a turning cold..and compromise..almost..with each other..a stalemate..both unhappy..both half-empty and half-full..similar,yet so different..
I cried that nite..for the first time i can ever remember in my adult life..after she had that panic attack..if i could make somebody cry like that,i dont know who i have become…roamed the streets of chennai aimlessly after dropping her at the airport..went to iit,my refuge..and didnt find peace,again for the first time in my life..puked my guts out..slept fitfully..work was affected..didnt sleep the next night even..or the one after that..and today when she is supposed to be enjoying a hard-earned trip, she is calling/messaging me after getting drunk..instead of being happy and peaceful about her existence..
And i sit here..writing this post..unable to convince her about us..scared..lonely..sick..mentally unstable..laughing one moment..depressed the next…working with a purpose one moment, going completely blank the next..Taking the kudos from the boss with a vehement argument,instead of appreciation..No thrill on the new deal..no expectations with my job..just an assignment I have to complete..
why do i love her ? I have no answers..
Why dont i think we will work out ? yes,i have an answer to that..because we havent…in all this time..if i havent given her any joy and peace in 1 year, and caused her pain instead..lotsa it..and been confused and unsure myself too..all this while..I dont see how i can ever do justice to her..I honestly dont..
She needs somebody who she can rest upon…she can respect..I had that respect as a K..which is probably why she said yes..
As a R, i have not been even close to gaining that respect..
Why do i love her ? why do i stick around with her ?
“Cos it gives you a sense of control if you still stick by me inspite of everything..”
*shake of the head*
I am shocked when she says stuff like that..in a year of knowing each other,thats all there’s to me,according to her..or maybe thats all there is to me..thats one change i will credit her with and will thank her all my life…a willingness to acknowledge “Yeah,maybe the other person is right after all…”
Why do i love her ? I dont really know..
If i dont, i have a problem..cos it’s an answer i need to know to be at peace..
If i know..by her own admission i will leave her..since the others did..
And it strikes me that she thinks of me as one more amongst the others..one more who used her..who took what they wanted and left her hanging dry..
All i wanted to ever do is not be one more like them..I am one more today..I regret it..and dunno what to do..irreplacable damage..to me and…to her,somebody who didnt deserve it at all..a year almost..a journey..an experience..a regret..that i couldnt do the one thing she wanted me to be..her gibraltar..
Where do we go from here ? I really dont know…Folks meet in a week..too much pressure to close the deal..Her birthday in a few days and plans for the gift i am gonna give her..she wont be with me…and all the better for her,she will be peaceful and sleeping soundly with folks..for a few days atleast..
And we sit..with a 3500 km b/w us..and wondering about the one big question..” Are we right for each other ?”
Thats probably the only thing we have matched on..ever.That one question is where we match.
and Youtube has been kind..with the right song at the right time..
Il Divo with Regresa A Mi
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3A1zpV8l0F8
and the translation..Right sentiment,right song..Google Answers Zindabad..
No me abandones así
Don’t leave me like this
Hablando sólo de ti
Speaking only of you
Ven y devuélveme al fin la sonrisa que se fue
Come and give the smile that went away back to me
Una vez mas tocar tu piel y hondo suspirar
One more time to touch your skin and deep to sigh
Recuperemos lo que se ha perdido
Let’s recover what has been lost
Regresa a mi
Return to me
Quiereme otra vez
Love me once again
Borra el dolor que al irte me dio cuando te separaste de mi
Erase the grief I experienced when you left, when you parted from me
Dime que sí
Tell me yes
Yo no quiero llorar
I don’t want to cry
Regresa a mi
Return to me
Extraño el amor que se fué
I miss the love that went away
Extraño la dicha también
I miss the happiness as well
Quiero que vengas a mi y me vuelvas a querer
I want you to come to me and love me again
No puedo mas si tu no estas tienes que llegar
I can’t go on if you’re not here; you have to arrive
Mi vida se apaga sin ti a mi lado
My life turns off without you by my side
